Faithless

Dard kuch der hi rehta hai bahut der nahi

2011-12-10T12:49:00.001-08:00

Dard kuch der hi rehta hai bahut der nahi
Jaisey kisi pattey ka rang maand pad jaataa hai shaakh se door ho kar
Shaakh se toot kar ye dard jeeyegaa kab tak
tim-timaayegaa zaraa der tak bujhtey huye diyey ki tarah
aur phir thak ke toot jayegaa, bikhar jaayegaa ye dard
Dard kuch der hi rehta hai bahut der nahi..........

The Queen of Winter

2011-12-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

I'm Corinthian light

A snake in flowers by night

The last temptation of christ

Evil in mortal.

Queen of winter on throne

The murduress lurked in vulger caresses

vestal masturbation

(purity) overthrown!!

Freak and the Star

2011-12-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

The Freak takes the star off his roof, dismantles the blinding light... its time for supernova, the fire moved on

UNSPOKEN

2010-08-10T05:30:00.001-07:00

(Disclaimer:This story is a work of fiction.. and bares no resemblance to any body living or dead)

K: " Hey i am sorry .. but are you there??"

(Pause)

A: " Yup"

K: " I know all the things about us not talking any more and stuff but..."

A: " Go on"

K: " Did yo go for it? How was "Her" wedding?"

A: " It was Lovely ... i wouldnt miss it for the world, are you in " Her" friend list...ill soon post some pictures there... is that ok,"

K: "that will be great... thanks...i wanted to come ... but... you know....?"

A: " i know ... "

(Pause)

A: " Hey, Heard you are working for NDTV now... congratulation.. must be swell"

K: " Yah NDTV Imagine ... do yo know, i am officially a director now..." ( !!!! )

A: " Ahhh nice... congrats Oh i am a news reader for 5 Metro... Should start sometime in March...

K: (We were suppose to be together in this...weren’t we ' A...') Pause... "ahhh nice... congratulations.. We both achieved what we set out for... a promise made to each other one sunny afternoon in college... is finally realized" (
(But Of corse we forgot all other promises we made to each other didn’t we... my love... ) Damn neat will see you on tv.. soon... wont i...??"

A: "Hopefully.. but i am trying to see if i can make it to NDTV here or in Delhi.. "

K: (She still wont ask for my help... ahhh glad few things haven’t changed)..." You are not trying.. Bombay??"

A: No not Bombay...dont like the place...

K: Is it the place or... Don’t worry i wont bump into you???

A: " LOL, aint my worry... will sock you if i see you!!!"

K: " Why would you,,, what wrong did i do you now??"

A: " Coz id feel like... coz its you and me... if i don’t sock you... you'd somehow make me cry..."

(Pause)

K : " I don’t make you cry... i never did" ( and how about the time,... when i cried... silently.... how about all those times.. when i howled voicelessly.)

(Pause)

A: "Sure you don’t... ne ways id love to stay and talk but...but i cant"

K: ( i knew sooner or later you'd say it... must be brave... show her i am happy now... show her i am unfazed... hell its been 5 years since... )... " yah i understand" ( No i dont... i never did...)

A: "Sorry 'K' "

K: " Later..." (ooops!!)

A: " Not later as well 'K' "

K: ( I don’t care ... i don’t... Fuck... i still lose my sensibilities in-front of her.. she won again!!!. ) As in yah... i got that...

A: " I cant have us talking... hope you understand"

K: ( No i dont .. i never did) " Like i told you i dont care

A: " I cant say much....

K: " i just wanted to know abt the wedding so i pinged
i don’t wanna know.. i am not asking" (Give me a reason...for fucks sake... dont you think i deserve to know... at least this time)

A: "but u know me enough to understand what im not saying"

K: " Not really.. but its ok... i don’t care" (I thought i did... but, perhaps i could never understand you... perhaps you never understood me)

A: " Sorry then,,, may be someday.. try not to hate me and someday..."

K: ( How could i hate you.. i never did.. not for a minute.. how can i ever) "we don’t sock each other when we meet.. that’s good enough for me...why u being sorry...i understand...and i don’t hate you"

A: " lol... I aint.. been sorry I’m sayn I’m sorry for cutn the conversation shot now
its pretty childish but i cant help it"

K: ( How does your own foot taste in your mouth you dimwit...) " I said i understand"

A:" maybe someday ill contact u my self... and see if you are willing to be socked ... till then ta... "

K: (Just let me be... please let me be... its enough now) " Have a good life A...may you get all that you wish for...

A: lol hopefully

K: Adios.. it was nice knowing you

A: You az well.. K take care

K: “thanks TC"

A: "aint been a psudo

K: " go now" (please stay for a a minute more.. for a second more.. its a request.. please stay)

A: " sty.. bub bye.. good night ta"

K: " I think after all these years.. i still..."
(FUCK...)

A appears to be offline
He or she will receive your messages after signing in.

(He stared blankly at the screen... His Speakers screamed..." jala hai jizm jaha, to dil bhi jal gaya hoga....khuredate ho ab jo raakh justajoo kya hai....." He looked at her picture for one last time.. and pressed the delete button... end?... he is scared not... )

Wine is Fine but Whiskey is Quicker...

2008-11-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

I like to pretend I am alone .completely alone may be post apocalypse or plague whatever no one left to act normal for.. no need to hide who I really am...ah! It would be freeing

sometimes I wonder what it'd be like for every thing inside me which is denied and unknown to be reviled...but ill never know, I live my life in hiding my survival depends on it.. All along

I find people around me are all making some kind of connection like friendship or romance but human bonds always make a messy complications.. Commitment sharing...caring. Beside if I let somebody that close ... they'd see who I really am.. . None of us are who we appear to be on the outside.. But we must maintain appearances to survive..

The willful taking of one's own life...drags you away from yourself, you loose you and then you are forever looking and searching for company to keep...desperate to feel something... anything and in the process getting fucked even more
I thought this was a game my alter ego and I were playing but relationship change evolves and this one is getting deep… I realize now.. that my days are numbered and I better make the most of it...score one for the little wooden boy

(Its heavy…. it will make sense.)

2008-07-13T06:53:00.000-07:00

" 'Tis love-'tis love that nukes the world go round!"

Pallet of Pain

2008-03-20T05:45:00.000-07:00

I often see the burning moon,melting from the sky
I often see the trees dancing in the deserts
I often see them crying voicelessly infront of their graves
Today i am crazy, my eyes are closed
I see the blue blood dropping on the black soil
I get a new color in my life,
By mixing the balack of the soil, with the blue of my blood

Sea green, Sea Blue

2007-10-31T02:57:00.000-07:00

I love her and i know she loves me too.. then why does she still hold on to him and her fucked up relationship.. she was mine one.. i had a chance and i belew it up.. now she goes on living ..and so do i.. she now drowns in the sea of her own tears and i.. drown deep in the sea of pussy and weed. None is happy... her eyes sparkele every time she sees me.. wanting to say save me..mine wanting to tell her, help me.. but then i guess we have moved way too far to return back to each other...so close yet too far

Believe ME...Fucking Believe Me

2007-10-04T22:34:00.000-07:00

We should only be friends... i like it that way!!

Oh No i think i like you...dont you think we should go out...

I am going away..dont know if ill be back soon...but who says long distance doesnt work, hell we will make it work, you and me, we will make it work.

Oops sorry it didnt work..i loved you ...really loved you but my love faded away in 8 months...why ...cause you didnt call enough...and yah did i mention...i have a tiny winy crush on some one...but no its not bacause of that i am breaking up with you..believe me, hope you understand.

I can see..that how much you have tried to win me back to make things work..but i just turned my blind eye to it...please forgive me...i am sorry...we will remain good friends right?

Oh welcome to my city... have dinner with me... oh did i tell you i am dating someone...the same guy who i had a tiny winy crush on...and dont worry we will still be good frineds wont we?

Oops!! sorry that we kissed... oh again!!! oops once more... hey i am not in love with you... ooops there we go again!!! i am certain i am not in love with you...

How can i love you when i am so kneck deep in love with him.
You wanna walk away to end it...good i am not gonna stop you..its for your own good BELIEVE ME!!

NO I DONT WANNA EVER SEE OR TALK TO YOU ANY MORE.. I DONT CARE IF YOU ARE ALONE...IN THIS ALIEN CITY.. YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY AROUND.BELIEVE ME... BUT I DONT WANNA SEE YOU EVER...I STILL CARE FOR YOU ... YOU KNOW THAT DONT YOU??? BELIEVE ME!!

Ummmm

2007-09-16T23:51:00.000-07:00

We Kissed....she melted...mop please!!!

Heaven's a Lie

2007-08-01T01:43:00.001-07:00

Faith is a Substance of things hoped for...evidence of things not seen.

Untitled

2007-05-07T13:39:00.001-07:00

I saw, Darling, But do Lie

Untitled 1.5

2007-05-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am Dead, I've missed you... - Kiss?

The Last Supper

2007-04-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

The Last Supper

“Hey I forgot to tell you, I am seeing Raj”, she blurted out…
“Hey that’s a surprise, great news since when?”
He asked in broken sentences…
She smiled, Blushed a little and said, “It’s been a week”
“Wow I am happy for you, really I am very happy for you…”

He picked up the pink rose resting on the table and gave it to her…Later he realized that it was her favorite color. He looked at her with a pleasant smile and said

“Its been a week? You should have told me before… but any ways I am glad that you did…”

The waiter disrupted their talk and brought the food… he excused him self to the washroom, while the waiter served their favorite Chicken Biriyani.
He came back to see Lavanya on the phone…guess she was talking to Raj…

He had returned after long…after college he had shifted to Delhi and she was based in Mumbai…He had returned after a year to find a changed Lavanya…This was their second meeting since he had landed in Mumbai…he wanted to talk to her about a lot of things…wanted to talk about all the nothings they used to when they were in college together… but then now it was like some stupid cat had got his tongue. He wanted to tell her… ask her …convince her about lot of things…but then he couldn’t. He used to blabber a lot….but he couldn’t…all he did was, smile, eat his chicken Biriyani and sip his Coke…She coaxed him to speak…she tried to strike a conversation but he didn’t want any…he was content …he didn’t want to speak any more…

The cab stopped right in front of her gate…and he opened the door for her…

“I want you to hear this song before you leave”
Billy Joel hummed blissfully through the ear phone….

“You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips…there is no tenderness like before in your finger tips…You are trying hard not to show it but honey I know…you have lost the loving feeling…which I knew…”

“You know I won’t be able to meet you anymore… I am happy for you but I am not that strong. I still love you.” he finally blurted out…

He saw her vanish in the elevator…and started to think about which train will take him back home.

Smalltown Romances

2007-01-30T21:41:00.001-08:00

The ‘boy meets girl’ routine in small-town India used to be pretty heavy business. In Patna, guns played an important role in legitimizing that very American institution dating. In the late 90s – 1997 to be precise – my school, an all boys’ grind for more than a 100 years, turned co-ed. "I’ve decided to throw some roses among the thorns," declared A.D.Rozario, the principal.
I fell in love. Thorny, bespectacled me fell in love with rosy, anorexic Lavanya. She had matchsticks for legs and long, very long hair.
I discovered New Kids on the Block and yellow Digene. I bought an Archies card (10 clocks on the front and inside the deadly punch line ‘It’s time we got together’) and gave it to Lavanya in between the covers of a Math’s register.
So far so good. Lavanya invites me to a Football match. It’s 7c vs 7a. I arrive in a white Smash t-shirt; light blue Wranglers and a Rexene belt studded with stars. We say hello and shut up for another hour. Afterwards she says goodbye and leaves with her girlfriends. Minutes later I am surrounded by three guys. They have country pistols. "Light-eyed lover boy (‘kanja deewana’)," they tell me, "get off her trail or else…" I cycle back home.
In the next few days I discover a thing or two about dating in Patna Want girl? Need ‘backing’. Whose backing? Hindi Medium School kids – the kinds who’ve been flunking class 9 for the last 5 years. They have real bombs, they have scars, they have the lingo. A typically violent Bihari lingo
* * * *
The English Medium kids need the Hindi Medium goons. The latter need the former – they want to be seen with the cooler English speaking kids (that would be me…Ahem! Ahem). In the evenings, they form groups and hang out outside downtown soft drink booths.
I graduate to calling Lavanya up every evening at five. I have Karan’s backing. Karan just had his arm blown off in a crude bomb attack. I never graduate to taking her to ‘tila’, a desolate mound on the outskirts of the town, at the very edge of the cantonment area, overlooking fields of mustard. Serious couples come here to plot elopement and discover the sense of touch. There’s no place for them on the main drag. They exist on the fringes, away from prying, provincial eyes.
* * * *
That was 1997. The year MTV came in a big way with their ‘drop your side burns’ ads and all-American programming. No Govinda. Just the Pearl Jam-obsessed Danny McGill. For the first time we heard of something called ‘Valentine’s Day’. We were not sure so we went to our English master, Valentine Massey, and put the question to him. He asked us to get back to Shakespeare.
This is 2006. I find myself in another small town: Pune – smaller than Patna, wetter, doesn’t believe in pavements. Barista and Coffee Day opened shop some time back. Cheaper local alternatives have changed the local landscape. They all have one thing in common: clear glass fronts, trendy furniture, music and light, lot more light, still more light. Couples no longer hide, they want to be seen. The coffee shops provide them with message boards. Kids communicate via pink post-its (‘Shalu, I am sorry – call 098…’) and mobile phones.
But, as always, the country is too layered for there to be one simple generational change. There are still loads of couples who fix dates inside cinema halls and make sure they are never seen together outside.
Recently, I went to watch ‘Krish’. Two boys walk in early and block four seats. Soon their girlfriends arrive. They eat popcorn, sip milky coffee, hold hands. Show over, they hug, whisper, giggle, say goodbye. They leave through different exits, the boys together again, the girls clutching their handkerchiefs. Outside they wait separately for autos.
Or take the case of my friends Ashish and Nidhi who were ‘caught’ hugging outside The Polo Bar. "Take this crap to your bedroom," shouts Mr. Khanna from inside his Hyundai Santro. "This is not Taliban country," Nidhi shouts back. Then, Mrs. Khanna, who has been observing proceedings from inside the automobile, decides to get into the act. She begins shakily, ‘You you…’ she mutters before exploding with a thumping coverdrive, ‘…what kind of a man are you? Can’t you control your wife?’ Nidhi is very upset. ‘Nobody controls me… or you,’ she says, trying to make a larger feminist point. Mrs. Khanna, completely missing the point, lunges forward and sinks her talons into Nidhi’s right forearm.
Moral of the story: as long as you sit across from each other in full public view, it’s fine. Just don’t hug or kiss or touch. This is small town India. Changed but still changing.

Final Chapter

2007-01-22T22:14:00.001-08:00

They hurried up, making their final arrangements for the screening. There was chaos all over the place. People ran around like rats, falling, tripping and sometimes even running over some one. The screenings would start any moment and there was lots to be done. But in middle of the entire chaos they stood their silently, half looking at each other and arranging their ties and the she her dress. People went by them unheard and unnoticed.
The final announcement, it was finally time. They held hands their grips tightened. Sweat running down the rivulets of the fingers, making their palms moist. The final announcement was made, they walked up on the stage, and cameras flashed… they pinched themselves.
* * *
The last few embers glowed at the end of the cigarette. He held it just above the ashtray, piled high with stubbed ends and loose tobacco which had spilled out from the cracks where the paper had not been properly sealed. As the paper started to burn and crackle, he lifted the short and thick cigarette up towards his mouth, held it to his pursed lips, and dragged hard, making it burn quickly as air passed through it and the smoke was pulled into his lungs. He removed the cigarette and stubbed it out in the ashtray, holding the smoke in his lungs and tilting his head back. He looked up towards the dim light that glowed in the centre of the room, and tried to see the cream ceiling through the thick smoke which had gathered. He watched the swirling patterns in the smoke, tried to imagine images forming, and then blew the smoke out and high towards the ceiling. He watched for several seconds as the smoke rose and mingled, creating new shapes, then looked back down to the seats opposite him.
Tanya was sitting in the inflatable chair, her legs crossed and with an empty soft drink can in the small dip this created. She was probably only twenty-three, and was smoking with energy, with enthusiasm as she talked quickly to Jeetu who sat next to her. He was more relaxed, laying back in his seat and shifting his gaze between Tanya and the television that flickered in the corner. Jeetu started to move for his pocket as he had noticed that a cigarette had just gone out, and pulled out a small tin which contained all kinds of stuff. As he did this, Tanya continued to talk to him, fervently brushing the hair away from her face as it rolled down from her head, trying to find its way out of the tight pony tail she had tied it up in.

She looked so young and fresh. As she dragged on the cigarette, he watched her face contort, he watched the orange glow light up her face and cast shadows. Then she would blow the smoke away to her side, and continue talking as the fire burned further down towards her fingers, then repeat again .

Who wants pizza?" asked Jeetu.
Everyone agreed, and Tanya went to the phone. Bikram watched his hand as the latest joint burned down towards his fingers again. It was so slow, He flicked his gaze over to the TV. The sound was down, and he could just hear the voices of actors above the wheezing of Jeetu breathing.
They looked at each other and smiled. Bikram stood up, shakily, and wandered over to the stereo as Jeetu turned off the TV. At the cabinet, Bikram turned on the machine and started to look through the tapes. He found the battered case that he'd had for about ten years, took out the tape and started to play it. As the guitars started, Bikram and Jeetu looked at each other, still smiling.
"Classic rock." said Jeetu.
Tanya entered the room, waving a menu in her hand. "They said it will take forty five minutes. You're not playing this again are you?"
"Classic rock," repeated Jeetu, his hand tapping out a beat, which didn't seem to fit in with the tune they were listening to.
"
I'm popping off," said Bikram, nodding to the others as he stepped into the corridor. As he shut the door, he heard Tanya start talking again, trying to be heard above the music. Bikram walked slowly up the hallway, running his hands against the turquoise painted walls. He looked at the award resting on the mantel; the dim light would make it stand out even more. They would shine it almost every day. He remembered the joy of winning the award for the best one-minute movie, the sheer excitement and the glow in their eyes. He remembered running to this town in order to realize their dream, in order to make it big. Well you once must have read about a frog who once dreamt of being the king and became one, well except for the name and few other changes if you talk about them, the story is still not the same one. He walked down the stairs… thinking how they had failed to make their mark. How now Tanya worked as a waitress and they delivery boys. But well their fight, their struggle was far from over.
In the corridor he could still here the music but Tanya’s voice had stopped talking.
He wore his jacket and walked down to the closest video shop, this would give him some idea of how to go about the script which they were writing, more over it would help him get through the night he thought. At first he saw several faces, then the blue of the cover took over, and he looked at it.
"It's a good movie." , the store guy said
"Robert de Niro. He's good." Bikram said, handing over his credit card.
They all agreed, and then Bikram signed the receipt. More money going out, he thought as he picked up the bag of shopping and took his cards back. Bikram walked out of the shop and back into the night air. He crossed the street and headed off at a slight jog back towards the house. The lamp was still on in Jeetu's room, so he knew he didn't have to hurry. Walking up to the door, he took his keys from the deep pockets, and unlocked the door. He closed the door to the living room, and sat back in his armchair. He placed the video in the player, and poured a glass of cola for himself. The trifle was positioned close to the leg of the chair, and he put the spoon of top of the lid. Reaching into his pocket, he took out the tin, and reached over to pick up a long book. Resting it on his legs, he placed everything he needed onto the book. Licking the papers, and sifting through the tobacco, he followed the ritual. The night air had cleared his mind slightly, and he soon had the next joint ready. It was three papers long, and thick. He picked up an ashtray and put it between him and the sofa so that Jeetu and Tanya could use it. He placed the joint in his mouth, and struck a match. The flame lit, and he put it against the end, hearing the tobacco light and the paper start to crackle once more. Shaking the match to put it out, he took a long drag, filling his lungs with smoke. He leant back, closed his eyes, and blew the smoke up again. It shot towards the ceiling. He opened his eyes as the door opened.

Tanya was on the doorway. He grinned at her, and took a second drag. The orange fire was burning in his mouth as he dragged smoke into his lungs, and into his blood. He was looking at her; she was looking at him. She came and sat on the sofa next to him.
He could hear Jeetu snoring loudly,

“ Is he asleep…” he asked
‘Hmmm…” she replied fixing her eyes on the colorful blur of the television.
He looked at her, the cold outside had made her nose turn red, her smiled, and she looked beautiful even with her hair messed up.
Eyes still fixed, she said
“ The weather is horrible.”
He grunted his assent. He took another puff of the joint and saw the orange glow drawing even closer to his fingers.
“ I mean why don’t you ever talk to me’ she pounced on him.
“Sorry?”
“You hardly talk to me now a days, why?”
“ You know why… don’t you?” he took another puff.
…She knew why. She lit another smoke.
He looked at the award resting bravely on the mantel…

Hell and Beyond

2006-12-29T20:39:00.000-08:00

Yes I love her
I love the girl who kills me everyday
Who burries me everyday in my own sorrows...
Who tells me everyday how much she hates me
But I tell her every time... " I love you as much"
And suddenly I shoot up
I become a giant
And from this hight she looks dwarfed
Like a tiny worm creeping around
I become Nemesis
I sense the fear in her eyes
She tries to push me aside but I am too strong for her
She hits me ... no effect
She shouts ... but her shrieks vanish in the limes of the walls
I rip her apart
Go down on her
Scattering the very being of her existance
Destroying her bit by bit...
I punish her for not loving me...
I rise wiping the blood of my face,
And as I leave I turn one last time to look at her
Frigile body wrapped up in white bed sheet
Her shrieks and mourns now slowly fading away
I turn back and In her ears sofly whisper
I love you...

Untitled to the core

2006-12-28T23:00:00.001-08:00

His cappuccino had long since gone cold. He didn’t plan to drink it anyways. He wondered, why it hadn’t struck him earlier, this feeling called love. She sat at an arms length. Engrossed in her own thoughts. Half looking up, from the Italian salad, which she so loved. A serene silence enveloped them he wanted to tell her how much he cared. He wanted to tell her how he died every time she battered her eyelids. She looked up from the plate and flashed him a smile. He didn’t want to speak; he didn’t want to stir the silent nothingness. Sometimes words don’t do justice to it. He realized how much he loved her, but then her affection had long since gone forth.
“I am not really that dumb, there is no future in it – “
He reminded himself. Love and infatuation battled with the willingness to forget. The road seemed improbable, impossible may be. A series of “whys” rang in his head, but sometimes a question brings ever more complex answers, i.e. if they bring answers at all. The path seemed broken and the journey impossible…the love, the time spent together, the memories would all remain a question, a question forever.
She perhaps sensed the turbulence in his head, with her raised eyebrow she nodded her head, perhaps asking “hey what happened?” she allowed him a small but a warm smile. Within seconds he made the most important decision of his life. Mustering all the strength from his stomach that god had given him blurted out…
“I love you”
He left shortly…

Distance...finite...end

2006-12-28T22:55:00.000-08:00

Most of the night has passed, She is leaving tomorrow. He loves her, she knows that. He repeats it to her everyday like names of god. He doesnt drink regularly but he has had a drop too much today, perhaps! She takes his hand and kisses it, the lines on his lips widen on a positive note. He bends towards her and cozys up. The music of the Pub slowly drowns...silence...peace ....nirvana. Mustring up all the strength god has given him, he blurts out..."baby I love you...." she hugs him...yes redemption shall be his today. In a second he says a thousand small prayers. Though he doesnt believe in god he doesnt want to upset him today.
"Babes you know I love you...and I wanna know your decision..." He senses a sense of doubt on her face.He knows its difficult for her to make a decision . But its not easy for him either. For he dies a small death every day. " Babes if you have made your decision please say it now." He knows she is ready with her answer now...She doesnt say anything just a nod which suggests a 'No', followd by a 'sorry'. He can only smile now. He leaves shortly, as the DJ in his jargon invites every one to the dance floor for its Valentines day today.

Fragmented Self

2006-12-28T22:43:00.000-08:00

I tried to complete you
It was a mistake
I had crossed the lines
I had to be Punished
But i wasn't stubborn
I had taken your permission for the silence I bore
And together we had promissed each other
The longness we longed for
What Was that blow that tore us apart I do not know
You still went ahead and collected your self
And became Complete again
But I remained Fragmented or Never Tried to be complete again